I have a brilliant idea for a new (reality) TV show. Outtakes and Bloopers from Martha Stewart. Call it schadenfreude, but wouldn't it be satisfying to see one of those "good things" turn into a complete disaster for a change? And the parting shot would be Martha slugging back a glass of cheap Chianti.
That's kind of what my evening looked like tonight. Single-minded, gorgeous culinary vision meets hubris. I blame Martha. And Barbara Kingsolver. Ever since I read "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle", I have sought to emulate her family's Friday night routine of taking random bits from the garden and turning them into beautiful, healthy pizzas. Pizza night! Never mind that my husband does not eat pizza, nor does he, with his current work/commute schedule, have dinner with us on Friday nights. Despite these realities, Friday night pizza is something I have been trying to instate for years.
And so, on the hottest day of the summer (so far), I decided to turn the oven up to 500 degrees, and bushwhack my way through my terrifically overgrown vegetable garden in the 95-degree heat to select some choice vegetables for our pizza. Peter amused himself by transporting a large portion of our winter firewood from one side of the house to the other, using his stroller as a sort of truck.
I excavated several feet of potato vines to find quite a lot of kale left underneath. Perfect to saute with garlic and top the pizza! I ignored the earwigs on the pepper plant and harvested our first two tiny purple peppers. I removed one dessicated ear of corn from our stunted, dried-up corn plants. Not sure what happened there. I ignored the legions of rattlesnake beans and green beans that are surely getting too tough to eat (beans on a pizza? no.), and snipped a few basil leaves from the tiny plants that have been overtaken by the enormous tomato trees.
I had to force my hand through the deer wire from the outside of the garden fence to collect a precious few cherry tomatoes. The other cherry tomatoes, sadly, are quite inaccessible to anyone over three feet tall because the plants are so huge that they butt up right against the fence on two sides of my poorly designed square of tomato plants. Unfortunately, Peter refuses to enter the garden ever since the squash plants scratched his little legs, and so the majority of the little Sungolds remain tantalizingly out of reach.
I returned to the house to find the dough rising well enough, which was surprising since I definitely did not get the water warm enough to activate the yeast. It even smoothed itself cooperatively over the cornmeal-covered pizza peel. Perhaps a bit TOO cooperatively, in hindsight. Peter had moved on to amusing himself by filling the already full of water wading pool with dirt and firewood. It will certainly dry out by the time winter arrives.
Next, I raided the refrigerator for a serendipitous selection of leftovers: Kalamata olives, feta cheese, and Parmesan cheese. I mixed up a little garlic oil and began to put together my masterpiece. When it was assembled, I was so pleased with myself that I took a picture. Little did I know that I would be using it as a "Before" picture:
This all, of course, took MUCH longer than I expected, and I'd gotten a late start. It was suddenly much later than we normally eat. So, perhaps I rushed the next step just a bit. Visualizing a quick, graceful slide from pizza peel to pizza stone, I opened the blazing hot oven and tried, with a practiced jerk, to deposit the pizza on the stone. It did not budge from the peel. Not even an inch. A few olives toppled onto the oven floor and hissed.
Wiping sweat from my eyes, and from a few other places that it now collects on my seven-and-a-half-month pregnant body, I tried again.
Nada.
Desperate, I racked the kitchen utensil drawer for some tool to assist. In the end I just shoved the ingredients from the peel to the stone and all over the oven floor with no regard for aesthetics. I optimistically thought that it might turn out to be an inventive sort of half calzone, half pizza-ish creation. It was a disaster.
I've been surprising monk-like throughout this pregnancy, avoiding alcohol almost completely, except for a few sips on Easter and four ounces of very good wine on a recent date at a surprisingly good, almost-local (Auburn, 30 minutes away) wine bar. But tonight I opened a bottle of wine, and poured myself a half glass. I think Martha would have approved.
Peter sat down at the table. "What is this, Mom?" I brightly replied: "It's pizza, honey! Yum! Bon Appetit!" He tried it, ate a few bites. "Mom, I don't like this kind of pizza. I want another pizza." Actually, it wasn't bad for what it was. The crust turned out very nice in most places. And the good flavors were all there, at least the parts that didn't burn to a crisp on the bottom of the oven. But so much for family pizza night and garden bounty. I think I'm over it. Next Friday, we're going out for pizza.